Anxiety. Anxiety.

Anxiety.

Anxiety.

Let me say it twice, because that’s how it shows up in my life. Loud.

In order for me to heal, I had to understand what I’m healing from. I used to joke about having anxiety. “Girl, I got anxiety,” I’d laugh off when I was overwhelmed. But when the doctor diagnosed me, and my therapist backed it up, I had to finally accept it.

But what kind of anxiety do I have?

Anticipatory anxiety.

It’s also known as future tripping, when the fear of what might happen causes real distress. This can show up before big things, like a presentation… or before small things, like going out to dinner or responding to a text.

At times, it can be crippling.

Have you ever fast-forwarded a movie to the end before watching it, just so you’d know what happens?

Ever rewatched a show, not because it’s your favorite, but because the uncertainty of something new feels too overwhelming?

Or maybe you’ve googled parking, directions, and exit points days before a concert just to feel prepared?

Yeah… you might know this feeling, too.

For me, I used to think I was weird for not being able to just “go with the flow.” But now I know there’s a name for it. And not only is there a name there’s help. Therapy. Medicine. Understanding.

And it doesn’t just affect me when I’m alone. It shows up everywhere.

It shows up in friendships when I cancel last minute or need time to respond because I’ve already imagined every possible outcome of a conversation.

It shows up in relationships when I overthink a moment of silence or replay texts, reading between lines that weren’t even there.

It shows up at work when I feel like I have to over-prepare just to feel slightly okay, or when I avoid speaking up out of fear I’ll say the wrong thing.

To the people who love someone with anxiety: please be patient. Especially if you see us doing the work. If we’re going to therapy, having hard conversations, and choosing growth, even if it’s messy, just know, that effort is everything.

We may need a little more time, a little more reassurance, but we also love deeply, feel deeply, and try deeply.

thank you for coming to my ted talk

Healing doesn’t mean I never feel anxious. It just means I no longer let it speak louder than my truth.